| beach house
los campesinos
who do i think of when i listen to these bands? louis.
louis louis louis. i told gilline i dont think i have a chance with him and she said "why? he asked you out indirectly through me" and i said i know. i knoww. louis smokes and drinks and parties just like areh. i dont want a guy who parties every weekend. i want a guy who cares enough to spend time with me on weekends and just hang out and be with me. is that too idealistic. i know i wont find anyone like this.
areh is on my mind
and he'll never know how much im worrying about him right now
i cant believe someone could be so naive to another person's feelings
its upsetting
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| i dont need to base my happiness on this.
im smarter than that.
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| things i shouldnt say.
i dont think we should be together.
i dont think you actually care about me. i doubt every emotion i feel for you
because i dont think its real. and i dont want to get hurt
even though by not saying anything
im hurting.
i feel like no one understands. i dont know. i dont need a guy. i know i dont.
but im afraid of not having one. i hate this vulnerability. i hate this attachment
im denying it. im so doubtful of everything right now.
i went to brain drain last night at club 534.
i just wish i went with close(r) friends. which i have a very few of here.
i went with my suitemate nida and kyla and jeanette and lauren.
except jeanette and lauren didnt have fun. i thought it was a good time. nida and kyla left though
because nida felt unwell. and then i danced with laily and michele and whatnot. that was fun except
they all started getting guys on them and i knew i could find a guy to dance with too but it didnt feel right.
i dont want to fake feelings; even if it is just for a night.
funny thing about that.. ive been faking this for a while.
im a horrible person. this weather isnt helping me be more positive about things.
i wish wish wish i could talk to someone right now.
when i got back last night, ines was in the room.
i was there for 30 minutes and all she kept talking about is the "asian party" she went to and how cool it was.
nonstop rambling on about it. i asked her what it was called, because she mentioned she saw Areh and his roommate Cameron there. and i knew they were going to Lamba Epsilon's fraternity party at the Penthouse called "diamonds are forever". which was supposed to be a really fun party. and shes like "id ont know what its called; i should go to more parties. but study too. i need to study and then reward with parties. it was so fun. i drank a little of this thing but i was like nahh. they were giving out shots and i feel like one of the leaders of the fraternity was mad at me because i didnt get any" etc etc. she just kept rambling on and on about how cool it was. the penthouse is supposed to be really nice, and she was like "the place was so awesomee. we were driving and it was kinda sketch but it was fun. i danced so much. and there werent all asians" SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE PARTY WAS CALLED. and what frat was sponsoring it. or where she was at. i honestly dont know why this bothered me so much. i think it was just her overeager reaction to the party that annoyed me.
anyway. i just dont know what to do. soon i'll be home
but i wont be safe from my feelings.
i want to say something but i dont know what i should say.
i REALLY want someone to talk to about all of this.
its too heavy to keep inside.
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| i just need someone who understands me
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| I'm a slow motion accident, lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't want to feel anything, but I do, and it all comes back to you.
i miss having time to do photo posts. i miss time in general. i finished 2/3 final exams. everyone else is just starting. that means i end sooner. wednesday. i could go home, i could. i dont know how i am getting home. i dont know if i want to go home.
is that strange to say? i do miss home, but i know i'll miss here. i cant quite say what i'll miss about here (is that strange as well?), but i know it'll be sad being away from here for 6 weeks. six long weeks. winter is so long. everyone is so far. im not making sense. im still sick. i am thankful for kyla fields, my suitemate who wants to be a nurse, for making me multiple cups of tea and giving me medicine. and for nida ehsan, my other suitemate, who brought food to me because i woke up at 4pm, tired and too sick to go out. i guess i'll miss these people because they care. i guess i doubt that people do care; its sad because this makes me realize theres a part of me that is still afraid of letting people in; letting people care. im still scared of being hurt. i want to be fearless. i wish we cared for each other and were madly in love. but you cant force these things, you cant rush these things. you're not always right. i feel like the reason i dont watch movies too much is because it makes me sad because life isnt a movie and theres no such thing as that movie love. impossible is the word of the day,
i hurt all over.
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